Before

 

The Twilight saga is not the smartest thing that has happened to the universe, but for a moment I am going to cast all my past disdain aside. I am willing to forget that it has repeatedly raped vampires. I am willing to forget that it has no logical consistency whatsoever. With Breaking Dawn, like the title suggests, it is a fresh start – a new dawn.

 That’s a lie. Obviously.

 First scene – Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner) and his muscles (Photoshop) storm out of the house in a fit of rage. They barely walk two steps when they decide that they don’t like their shirt very much and Jacob removes it to reveal his perfectly sculpted, Greek-God-like body. He does that in the zarking rain, by the way, just because that makes a whole lot of sense. The move achieves the desired result – drool, drool, drool. Jacob and his muscles have an understandable reason for their apoplexy. Bella Swan (Kristen Stewart), who is their crush, and Edward Cullen (Robert Pattinson), the glow-in-the-sun vampire, are finally getting wed.

Taylor Lautner

B'coz imma be too hawt for ma shirt

 First thirty minutes and they are still getting wed in the most depressing public gathering I have seen. Everyone’s happy, except Bella, who maintains a jizzed-in-my-pants expression on her face, and does pretty good job out of it. Jacob and his muscles make a “surprise” appearance to warn Bella against the dangers of vampire sex and pregnancy, before Bella and Edward sneak off to Brazil to celebrate their honeymoon.

 The honeymoon is the second-most creepy thing that happens in the movie. Ensconced within a cozy hut, this is the place where Bella and Edward finally do it. The entire purpose of the series is accomplished here in one nasty night. By aggrandizing the drama, like them standing in the sea in the middle of the night or the breaking of the bed due to Edward’s enormous sexual strength, it pushes the romance to the point of being mawkish and nauseating.

Guess what happens then? Bella gets pregnant! Surprise, surprise! How could Edward do this? Jacob and his muscles warned her! She will die now! But, wait! Maybe she will shove a few contraceptives down her throat! Or maybe she’ll abort the foetus! But she is Bella Swan, The Vanquisher of Death! She won’t do any of those things because human-vampire intercourse often kills common sense.


Before

Before

After

After

However, what single-handedly grabs the prize for being the most egregious thing about the film is the story. It doesn’t require you to be a genius to figure out that dividing the story into two parts is not a smart thing to do because Stephanie Meyer hasn’t provided enough substance to do so. All the film has is the wedding and the child-birth – things hardly worth making a movie about. It even fails to strike an emotional chord.

 The acting isn’t world-class, either. All the actors do is maintain long-drawn expression on their faces. The three lead characters, Lautner, Pattinson and their prized-trophy Stewart, still haven’t learnt what it takes to become real actors. Lautner’s face is perpetually contorted into an expression of angst; Pattinson oscillates between happiness at his wedding and regret at not having used protection that fateful night while Stewart is just distraught and pained. Their roles give the impression of children trying to act like adults in a grown-up world. At this point, it isn’t even funny; it’s just pitiful.

 The creepiest thing that happens in the movie is the child-birth process. Bella’s face contorts into hideous shapes, she screams like her head is on fire and there is even plenty of blood and biting. Sure, it might be realistic and all but that is not what the viewers paid for. They don’t want to know how cross-breeds-between-vampires-and-humans are born. Eating your popcorn and drinking coke during that scene is a very bad idea.

Puke

If you want to avoid this

 Parts in the film come as unexpectedly as a best friend stabbing you in the back. There’s a scene that shows Bella drinking blood and enjoying it, werewolves communicating telepathically and even a chess-symbology where the winner decides if they will have sex or not, with the latter coming across as extremely pretentious. Also, the movie has been shot in a perpetual shortage of light, conveying an overwhelming sense of gloom. Considering that Breaking Dawn isn’t exactly Godfather, the gloom is absolutely pointless. After all, it’s only a foetus trying to kill the mother.

 Ah, another thing before I forget. The film scores some brownie points for asking some really thought-provoking questions like Bella asking Edward, “Are you a virgin?” or the even more amazing one concerning her pregnancy “I know that it’s impossible, but I think I am pregnant; can this really happen?”

Good questions, Mrs. Cullen.

 

 

  • http://www.facebook.com/kaproh Rohan Kapoor

    A spoof would have worked better! 😀 😀 😀