2013 was commercially, one of the best Bollywood years has had in a while. That does not necessarily mean that it was filled with wonderful and life changing cinematic experiences. With a little help from parents, I present to you this year’s worst.

P.S: I did not have the guts to watch R..Rajkumar or Zanjeer. Apologies. I assume they’re pretty bad. Moving on now.

race

Race 2: So bad it’s so good. A hilarious plot with some hilarious acting and some atrocious dialogue(Cherry, I don’t have time to pop your cherry!) and Saif Ali Khan’s “amazing” dance moves, Race 2 is an intoxicated man’s wet dream.  It is so bad, that you reach a point where you start laughing at what is seemingly unfold before your eyes. Everyone is hamming away to glory, Anil Kapoor is making you cringe consistently whilst the female leads go about providing eye candy. There are few things in life as awkward as Saif Ali Khan and Deepika Padukone cozying up together but it comes nowhere close to the scene where John Abraham explains his reasons for bumping off Bipasha Basu. That scene is cinematic gold. The fact that it’s so bad it’s so good, sees Race 2 finish at number 10 of the worst of the year.

 

once

Once Upon A Time in Mumbaai Dobaara: Somewhere during the film, Akshay Kumar gets up from his chair and screams,”Ghanta! Ghanta! Ghanta!” It is so hilarious, I was rolling about in my seat, laughing my head off. Like Akshay Kumar, most of this movie is a joke and the fact that there were more terrible films this year, sees it finish at number 9.

P.S: Interesting tidbit. Two of the six people I went with, started strangling one another during the course of the film. Yes it is that bad.

 

daiya
Ek Thi Daayan: Half the battle is lost when your protagonist goes by the name of Bobo the Baffler. It makes it even worse when the protagonist is played by Emraan Hashmi. I still wonder how they managed to pitch the idea to studio execs(“Emraan Hashmi is… Bobo the Baffler!”) Konkona Sen Sharma batted her contact laden eyes(She’d make a great Kali) and the rest of us ran away from the theater, seemingly fed up of what we’d seen so far. It tries hard to match the Hollywood horror masterpiece, Insidious but falls spectacularly short. No 8, on the worst of the year.

 

chennai
Chennai Express: “Y.Y Mithaiwala??” says Shahrukh Khan when two girls make a wild assumption about his age and I chuckle to myself in my seat. Hey, this isn’t half as bad, I think to myself.

The next 2 and half hours prove me wrong in alarming fashion. How this movie chalked up 200 crores, I will never know. You have to hand it to Rohit Shetty though. He has mastered the art of delivering terrible movies that go on to earn truck loads of money. Shahrukh Khan is no longer as young as he thinks he can be and it’s about time he started making the transition to roles that would utilize his acting chops rather than his star quality. This sort of thing just isn’t working for him anymore. It’s Deepika Padukone who carries most of the film and you tend to forgive her solely based on the fact that she’s done two good movies this year. Just for the first twenty minutes and a few catchy if not annoying songs, this movie is at no 7 this year.
masti

Grand Masti: The fact that this movie made over a 100 crores is a testament to how desperate the people in this country are for action, of any sort. Some of the dialogue in this film, is just plain lewd. There are standards to be maintained. It is atrocious to watch and there comes a point where it stops being funny. Grand Masti is a terrible film and the fact that you’ve enjoyed every bit of it that makes you a terrible person.
chasme

Chashme BadooR: “Dum Hai Boss.”, says the female lead whilst we cringe in our seats out of sheer embarrassment.(Read our review here) David Dhawan takes an all time Bollywood favorite and proceeds to defecate all over it in spectacular fashion. Everything in this movie is wrong, even the lighting. When you start to notice details such as that, you know that the movie is in trouble. It makes for a horrible movie going experience and I do not wish it upon even my worst enemy, to have to endure this piece of crap. No 5 on the list.

poster

Phata Poster Nikla Hero: Now we’re getting to the business end of the list. I did not watch this movie, but my parents did and my father walked out halfway through the film and had to be coaxed back into the theatre for the second half by my mother. Considering that we aren’t usually the types who walk out of terrible movies, this must have just terrible for my father to react the way he did. I dodged a bullet on this one and you should stay as far away from the vicinity of the gun that contains it. Trust me, it’ll do you a world of good.
besdha

Besharam: What was Ranbir Kapoor thinking? Why does Pallavi Shardha look constipated whilst she’s dancing? Does the director think that we will continue to laugh at the same father-mother-son joke over and over again? What was the point of this movie? Why did the songs sound so bad? Who greenlit this script? WWhy did I sit through this god awful movie???

No 3 on the list. I must admit, I had no sharam in admitting that I hated Besharam. *Ba Dum Tss*

 

krrish

Krrish 3: If you own a brand that is famous all over India, chances are that you sponsored Krrish 3. (here’s Abhin and Aniket discussing Krrish 3 among other things) The movie throws out a terrible cocktail of all superhero films in the past decade which will have you throwing up soon after. There are shots in the movie that are present just for product placement. The real hero of the film is not Krrish, but a flair pen. Hrithik Roshan overdid it in the gym. Rajesh Roshan is still stuck in the 90’s music scene. The songs in this movie are terrible. Vivek Oberoi as Kaal is also quite terrible. Halfway through the film, the Thundercats show up and the climax is Krrish vs Magneto meets Robocop. Once again, product placement. I know, I’ve been going on and on about it, but it quite literally dominates the film. It would’ve been the worst movie of the year if not for the one that occupies the numero uno position.

 
dhoom

Dhoom 3: “Any update on the robbery?”

“No sir. But we’re sure it’s a thief.”

“Bankwalo! Tumhare Aisi Ki Taisi?”

Seriously. Did a twelve year old write the screenplay for this atrocity?

Dhoom 3 is the only film that has managed to give me a headache. (Read our review here) A plot with gaping holes, a very irritating and overacting Aamir Khan and action sequences that make no sense at all, pretty much sums up Dhoom 3. The previous Dhoom movies were fun experiences, never taking themselves too seriously. This on the other hand is the modern day equivalent to medieval torture, an exercise in patience and anger management. Katrina Kaif barely has screen time, let alone a role. Abhishek Bachchan is as usual swept to the side while one tends to mute out Uday Chopra as much as possible. It’s just Aamir Khan, Aamir Khan and more Aamir Khan which is usually not a bad thing, but in this instance it is quite unbearable. It gets so annoying that you wish he’d jump off a cliff which is pretty much what he does in the climax of the movie, much to the delight of moviegoers who decided to bring their brains along for the ride. It is the worst of the year and I hope for his sake, Aamir Khan decides to read the script a couple of times before signing on to play such pathetic characters. Also, the man can’t tap dance for peanuts. The only things that you could notice were his ears. Stay as far as possible. You have been warned.

  • Youknow WhoIam

    Dustbin! Nice one! Loved the defecation part!

    • Abhin Shetty

      Hahaha thank you, person who I assume to be spider-man cause of his/her Handle.