Director: Siddique

Cast: Salman Khan, Kareena Kapoor, Hazel Keech, Raj Babbar.

 

In the past few years, Hollywood has brought out movies based on a large number of superheroes ranging from Superman and Batman to Hancock. Bollywood has managed to answer all of that and more with two simple words: Salman Khan, more precisely Lovely Singh -The Bodyguard.

Following the ‘high standards’ set by Ready and Dabangg, this is yet another mindless film. Salman Khan is a bodyguard to a rich, spoilt girl, Divya (Kareena Kapoor). She is the daughter of a feudal lord (Raj Babbar) who had saved Salman Khan’s life as a new-born. Not only is this rich, spoilt girl attacked by goons for no apparent reason throughout the movie, she also manages to have a ridiculous affair with her bodyguard on the phone. For the lack of a better word, that is the plot.

Lovely Singh, the bodyguard is basically a hybrid of RoboCop, a CIA agent, a RAW officer and James Bond – with the license to kill and break anything around him. Add to all of this, he is utterly stupid and dysfunctional when it comes to understanding normal things around him.

This movie actually has Salman’s biceps dancing, which we consider a tad bit better than his signature pelvic thrusts. Although, Salman’s pelvic thrusts do make special appearances every time he has to receive a phone call. Even they fail to save the movie – though whenever any phone appears in the movie, BlackBerry gets promoted. The movie just gets progressively worse and intolerable.

There are several scenes of the movie which are hard to digest because of their sheer absurdity. First of all, there is an entire cosmetics ad which is played in order to introduce Kareena Kapoor’s character. Next of course, there are all the fight sequences where Salman takes on a hundred men at a time, but comes out unscathed (Sunny Deol, much?). Anyone watching the movie would question the presence of the mannequin-cum-best friend to Kareena, Maya (Hazel Keech) who has exactly five lines in the movie (at the max). Her character has absolutely nothing to do apart from standing around and looking pretty, till the last five minutes of the movie, when there is a plagiarised ‘twist’ thrown at the already fed-up viewer.

Everything from the cinematography (which mainly involves really nauseating camera movements) to the editing is third-rate at best. The movie relies a lot on CG/VFX but it’s been done in a very shoddy manner- they look as ‘real’ as the script.

If you thought the visuals were repulsive, the audio bit of the movie does not help either. Himesh Reshammiya returns to scare dogs away and playing Boy Wonder to him is Pritam. Together, they combine forces to attack those individuals who have survived getting a head-ache from the visual diarrhoea. Now, this is an art which Himesh has mastered over the years and deserves credit for. Pritam however came from a different school of thought (The Anu Malik one). We wish he had stuck to his roots and lifted a Japanese/Fillipino/Uzbeki/Tulu song. At least that way the audience would have had some relief.

The movie leaves no stone unturned in being lewd and stupid. The movies dialogues are probably the worst things ever written by mankind. Taste this: Cool? Bloody fool, you think I am in nursery school?

This is apparently the third time that Siddique has made Bodyguard, the previous two times being in Tamil and Malayalam. Clearly, such means of masochism are not healthy for him, and we would strongly recommend a psychiatrist.

Watch this movie only if you want to subject yourself to some extreme torture. Else, we see no reason as to why you should.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ralhi Akshay Singh Ralhi

    Now this review I like.

    • Rajdip

      Thank you, akshay! :)