The creaking fan whirred with effort as she jerked and twisted under her sheets. ‘Make it go away!, she pleaded to her mind, in the same desperate outburst that was beginning to feel a little too familiar. The constant buzz of uncertainty in the back of her mind never let it sleep. She huddled closer, gripping her naked skin in a fit of unexplained rage. He had taken a stubborn spot in her head. He needed to go away. Through the violent clash of thoughts, she went over those two haunting words – ‘What if’? ‘What if’, echoed her brain.
Getting out of bed, she stepped into the gushing light as she screwed her eyes and observed her reflection. Her half-numb mind gazed through her half-open eyes, sizing up her own petite frame. She could still feel his hand on the small of her back. He had held her so gently, even if for that one ephemeral moment. ‘Darn me!’ she cursed and looked away at her messy brown hair that fell in the most gorgeous way around her shoulders, ending right where her emerald green bra did. He liked the green. There was even a wink and a boyish grin. ‘Darn me!’ she cursed again, as she ran her hands down her slender waist halting on the line of her tiny boxers. “You’re a stunner!”, he had said. She remembered doubting it. Through the violent clash of thoughts, she went over those two haunting words – ‘What if’? ‘What if’, echoed her brain.
Artwork by Priyadarshini Sivakumar
Last night began to unfurl painfully from the depths of her mind. ‘Remember, you don’t like him…’ – she had made a worthless mental note though her mind affirmed the contrary. She despised the way her mature self was so adamantly immature right now. And with her rum, she downed her morals too. “Why so serious?” he had asked, the only one noticing her façade of content. She liked his concern but she remembered doubting it. They touched and teased with an uncertainty that pierced the lingering lust but not much else ensued beyond that. ‘Just make it go away!’, she pleaded to her mind, contorting in rage at her annoying weakness. And through the violent clash of thoughts, she went over those two haunting words – ‘What if’? ‘What if’, echoed her brain.
She didn’t like him the way he did. She liked him a little more. Her mind waged an interminable battle that forced her to contemplate the possibility of possibilities with him. Surveying her reflection, she yearned for a dawn of calm. She had to let go just enough to get through the cloud of doubt and insecurity. The fit of unexplained rage came kicking back in as she sighed and walked away, her mind forever echoing those two haunted words.
What if?
Just, what if?
Always seek to overcome the doubt and let yourself delve into chance. For what it’s worth, a moment of pure content even in the face of resultant despair is better than a lifetime of regret.
